Mother by Design Read online

“And passion,” she said as she sat up and swung her legs around so her feet touched the floor. “Plenty of passion.”

  More than she’d ever experienced. Jake had taken her places that probably weren’t even legal. She smiled as she remembered how his touch had rocked her. Talk about knowing what he was doing. No wonder the women in his life never wanted to end things.

  She walked toward the bathroom, humming as she went. She felt good. Better than good. She felt…content.

  Her life was falling into place. First with Jake and later today, with Rachel. She was determined to make things right with her friend. Next she would tackle Jenna. She’d finally learned what was important and she wasn’t going to let it get away from her again.

  Lily felt a twinge of nostalgia as she walked into the Chinese restaurant where she, Rachel and Jenna had dined a thousand times. Their usual table was in the corner by the window. Whoever faced the hospital always had the job of look-out in case the hunky doctor they’d been talking about happened to stroll by. So many good times, she thought fondly. So many shared confidences, healed broken hearts, so much happiness.

  “How many?” the hostess asked.

  “Two,” said a voice behind her.

  Lily turned and saw Rachel. The second she locked gazes with her friend, her throat got all tight and her eyes burned.

  What had she been thinking, letting this woman out of her life? Why had she let the silence drag out so long?

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Me, too. I was really dumb.”

  “No, I was.”

  They stared at each other another second, then hugged. Rachel laughed when she bumped up against Lily’s stomach.

  “You’ve gotten so big!”

  “Tell me about it,” Lily said.

  Rachel sniffed, then wiped her eyes. “You’re more than six months along and I’ve missed everything. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. There’s still plenty to experience. And you—” She glanced at her friend’s still flat stomach. “How far along are you?”

  “Just three months. Pretty amazing, huh?”

  “More than amazing. It’s a miracle.”

  Lily suddenly remembered the hostess and turned toward her. “We didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

  “Not a problem. I’ll show you to your table now.”

  They followed the petite dark-haired woman to a table in a plant-lined alcove. When they were seated and she had left, Lily leaned forward to study her friend.

  Rachel looked as she always had—pretty and full of life. Humor and happiness danced in her brown eyes.

  “You look good,” Lily said.

  “Considering I just spent the past two months heaving my guts out, I look great.”

  The two women laughed.

  “You’re okay?” Lily asked. “You’re feeling all right?”

  “Uh-huh. Except for the morning sickness, I’ve been terrific. Trying to keep my weight from ballooning, of course. That whole ‘eating for two’ concept is very tempting.”

  “Don’t I know it,” Lily said. “There are days I could devour an entire water buffalo. I try to hold back.”

  “The water buffalo of the Portland area will be delighted to hear that.”

  Lily felt an odd combination of happy and sad. Happy to be with her friend again and sad for all they’d missed.

  “I was an idiot,” she said quietly. “I reacted badly.”

  “No, you didn’t.” Rachel sighed. “I should have either told you the second I found out the truth about Michael or kept it to myself.” She ran her fingers along the edge of her chopsticks. “It was almost funny, really. For the first time in my life, I met what I thought was a great guy and decided to go for it. One night of casual sex with no strings.”

  Lily nodded as she listened, not sure how to react. After all Rachel was talking about Lily’s former fiancé. It took her a second to realize that she didn’t care. There was nothing Rachel could say about Michael that would upset her at all.

  The realization felt good—freeing, really. Her past was behind her. Now she could focus on her future…and Jake.

  “The whole thing was a mistake,” Rachel continued. “I was uncomfortable, it all felt wrong. The next morning the only thing I wanted to do was take it all back. That’s why I never said anything. I was old enough to know better and still I screwed up.”

  “You’re not the only one who made mistakes,” Lily said. “At least you figured out he was a jerk from one night. I showed up to marry the guy.”

  “You didn’t know what he was like.”

  “Shouldn’t I have sensed something?”

  Rachel shook her head. “I don’t know. He was probably different with you. The thing is, when I saw him again, this time with you, I didn’t know what to do. You were already engaged. What was I going to say? ‘Hi. You remember me. We slept together a couple of months ago while you were dating my best friend?’”

  Lily hadn’t really thought about it from her perspective. “You were trapped. If you told me the truth, I might not have believed you. Even if I did, you weren’t going to come out as the good guy in all this.”

  “Exactly. But I never wanted you hurt.”

  “I know.”

  The waiter came and they asked for tea. When he asked if they were ready to order, they glanced at each other and laughed.

  “The usual?” Lily asked.

  “Absolutely.” Rachel listed the dishes they wanted.

  When the man had left, Lily smoothed the white tablecloth. “It’s too much food for just the two of us.”

  “Good point. I guess we’ll have to take some home with us.”

  “I’m sorry I took so long to call,” Lily said. “I was afraid you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I couldn’t face that. So I let the silence grow.”

  “I should have contacted you,” Rachel said. “I just felt so horrible about what I’d done.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was Michael.”

  “I should have told you sooner.”

  Lily shrugged. “Maybe. But maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. In your position I’m not sure what I would have done. Can we just put it all behind us?”

  “I’d really like that. I’ve missed you.”

  “Me, too. And Jenna.”

  “I almost called her,” Rachel said. “To see if she would join us.”

  “Maybe we should do that for next time.”

  Rachel smiled. “Good idea. So what’s new in your life? Aside from being six months pregnant.”

  Lily grinned. “Not too much.” She held out her left hand. “I bought a house and got married.”

  Jake sat on a sofa in the firehouse. There was a book open on his lap, but he wasn’t reading. He wasn’t doing anything but thinking about Lily.

  The previous night had been incredible. He’d never felt such connection before. It was as if by loving her, he was able to see into her mind and know what she was thinking. He’d known exactly how to touch her, how to please her. Every second of her delight had been a lifetime of happiness for him. Unfortunately he’d awakened in hell.

  He couldn’t do this, he thought grimly. He couldn’t play the game anymore. He loved her—he wanted her to love him back. The knowledge that she didn’t, that he was just a convenient rescue, ate him up inside.

  The worst part was the lack of a solution. Did he stay and continue the torture? Did he leave and try to start over?

  He considered the latter—life without Lily. How would he survive? How would he breathe without hearing her voice, her laughter. What about her baby? He already loved the child growing inside her. He wanted to be there, be a father. He wanted them to be a family. But if she didn’t love him back…

  An alarm bell sounded the second a voice came over the loudspeaker and called out the code and the address. Jake tossed down his book and raced for his gear.

  Lily checked the clock for the fourteenth time in the last two minutes an
d smiled. Okay, so she was a little excited about Jake coming home after his twenty-four hour shift. After her lunch with Rachel, Lily had decided it was time to finish cleaning up her life. She’d left a message for Jenna and had arranged to go in late so she could talk to Jake.

  As she fried sausages, she checked the coffee, then the clock, all the while listening for the sound of his truck. The baby stirred, as if sensing her restlessness.

  “It’s going to be fine,” she said as she placed a hand on her belly. “You’ll see. We’re going to live happily ever after.”

  At least that was the plan. She crossed her fingers and hoped that Jake didn’t mind her organizing their future.

  Just when she didn’t think she could stand it for another second, she heard a familiar vehicle pull into the driveway. She turned the sausage one more time, flipped off the burner and raced to the back door. She met Jake as he climbed the two steps.

  “Morning,” she said cheerfully. “How was your…”

  Her voice died when she saw him holding his right arm up against his chest. His hand was thickly bandaged and his mouth was tight. Panic swelled inside her.

  “You’re hurt. What happened? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  She stepped back to let him into the kitchen. He headed for the coffeemaker. She got there first and poured him a cup.

  “Thanks,” he breathed, then took a sip.

  “Jake?”

  “I’m fine.” He waved his injured hand. “Or I will be.”

  He crossed to the table and she followed.

  “How bad is the burn?” she asked.

  “Considering how stupid I was, I was damn lucky.” He sank into a seat and shook his head. “I’ve been doing this job for years. I know the rules.”

  She sat next to him and rubbed her fingers against his sleeve. The fear was still there, but with him walking and talking, it faded. “Tell me. Please.”

  He sighed heavily. “We were called to a house fire. Old place with faulty electrical. Everybody got out but the structure was a disaster. They had this little girl.”

  He sipped his coffee, then rested his bandaged hand on the table and winced. “She was three, maybe four. She made me think of you. Big green eyes. Curly brown hair. Pretty and in tears. Her kitten was in her bedroom. He liked to sleep in the closet and she was afraid he wouldn’t get out.”

  Lily’s heart lodged in her throat. “You didn’t…”

  “Yeah, I did. I went back in.” He held up his uninjured hand. “Don’t give me the lecture. I already gave it to myself and heard it from the captain. I found the cat, but it wasn’t going to come to me. Not willingly. I was in my gear, probably looked like a feline-eating alien. So I tried to grab it, but I couldn’t. Not in my gloves.”

  She stared at his hand. “You took them off?”

  “Yup. I’ve got scratches and burns. A beam fell, split into a thousand pieces and a couple went right through my palm. The cat’s okay, though.”

  She leaned close and wrapped her arms around him. “Don’t do that. Don’t you dare get dead.”

  He clutched his coffee mug. “The thing is, Lil, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

  She straightened and stared at him. “What?”

  “I saw you in that little girl. I thought about the baby you’re carrying and how much it all matters. I can’t do this anymore.”

  She had no idea what he was talking about but it didn’t sound good. “Jake?”

  He rose and walked to the sink where he stared out the window.

  “I can’t stay married to you anymore.”

  What? She knew she thought the word, but she was too shocked to speak it. “No,” she whispered. “You can’t leave me.” Not now. Not when she’d just figured out the truth.

  Pain sliced through her, cutting her heart into pieces and piercing her soul. She leaned forward and clutched her stomach. No!

  “I don’t want to be your friend,” he continued, his voice low and thick. “Not like it was. Night before last…” He swore. “Last night showed me what it could be. The possibilities. I want it all, Lil. Not this half life we’re living. I want you to love me back and we both know that’s never going to happen. So a clean break will be better for both of us. You can find someone who matters and I’ll…” His voice trailed off.

  “Jake, you can’t…” She straightened and stared at him. Words danced around in her head, forming sentences, disconnecting then forming again.

  “What did you say?” she asked. “Why won’t you stay with me?”

  “I won’t play this game anymore. You want us to be friends. I want it all. I know that’s unfair. I’m changing the rules and expecting you to live by them. That’s why I’m leaving. I don’t want you to—”

  “I love you,” she told him. “Not as a friend, or a brother. As a lover and a husband.”

  She saw him stiffen. He turned slowly and when he faced her, his expression was unreadable.

  “What did you say?”

  She stood and faced him. “I love you, Jake. I don’t know when my feelings changed from just friendship to something more. I’m beginning to think that I’ve always loved you but I didn’t see it. You were always the one I turned to, the one I wanted to be with. When I thought about a future, you were the man standing next to me.”

  Jake heard the words, but wasn’t sure he could believe them. Not after wanting them to be true for so long.

  “I’ve been feeling different things for a long time,” she continued, gazing at him, her eyes wide and bright with love. “Didn’t you think it was crazy that I asked you to marry me?”

  “No. It’s what I wanted.”

  “Me, too. I could have backed out a thousand times, but I didn’t. You’re the one I picture holding the baby. You’re the one I want at my side. When we made love, everything fell into place. I knew we belonged together. For always. I love you, Jake, and I want our marriage to be real. Please give us a chance. Please?”

  He wasn’t sure who moved first. Did he go to her or did she fly to him? Did it matter?

  He wrapped his arms around her and drew her hard against him. She melted into his embrace. He could feel the hard roundness of her belly and the fluttering of the baby inside.

  “I think she approves,” Lily said as she clung to him. “Say yes, Jake. Tell me we have a chance.”

  “We have more than a chance.” He cupped her face and stared into her eyes. “You’re everything to me. You have been for a long time. I realized it was something more about two days before you started dating Michael.”

  She winced. “I wish you’d told me.”

  “I wouldn’t get in the way.”

  “You’re such a good man,” she told him. “And then I got engaged and you would never have said anything then.”

  He nodded. “I wanted you to be happy.”

  “That wasn’t going to happen without you.” She smiled. “Let me guess. After Michael dumped me, you were waiting for me to recover before saying anything and then I went out and got pregnant.”

  “You’re never boring.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see the truth before. I would have saved us a lot of heartache.” She pressed her lips together. “Are you sorry? About the baby?”

  “Never. I love kids.”

  “I know. But this one isn’t yours.”

  He put his hand on her stomach. “Of course it is.”

  Lily gave a half sob, half laugh and kissed him. Jake kissed her back and allowed himself to believe. She loved him and they were together.

  Epilogue

  “So how are you feeling?” Rachel asked anxiously as she stood by the bed.

  Lily looked at her friend and smiled. “I’m great. Have you seen her?”

  “Of course. She’s beautiful.”

  “She takes after her mom,” Jake said.

  Lily squeezed her husband’s hand. “I thought we were going to lose you for a while. What happened to the
tough hero?”

  “It’s a little different when it’s you, Lil. I didn’t like seeing you in pain.”

  Love filled her heart. She and Jake couldn’t be happier and now they had a daughter. “It was for a good cause.”

  “The best,” he agreed.

  The maternity-room door opened and Jenna walked in carrying a baby. She grinned and her blue eyes crinkled with delight. “Look who I found when I went to the nursery. Is she the most precious baby or what?”

  Nadia pressed a hand to her chest. “Another granddaughter. Oh, Lily. You’ve made me so happy. Come here, little one. Come to Grandma Nadia.”

  Jenna handed over the infant and moved next to the bed. “Tell me that labor wasn’t so bad.”

  “It wasn’t,” Lily said.

  Rachel wrinkled her nose. “We both know you’re lying.”

  “Okay.” Lily smiled at Jake. “It was worth it. How’s that?”

  “Something I can live with,” Jenna told her.

  “Have you picked out a name?” Nadia asked as she cooed at the baby.

  Lily and Jake glanced at each other.

  “Samantha,” he said. “Sam for short.”

  Nadia raised her eyebrows. “I thought you hated that name, Lily.”

  “It grew on me.”

  Nadia nodded. “Samantha it is.” She touched the baby’s cheek. “Welcome to your new family, Sam. You’re going to like it here.”

  RACHEL’S BUNDLE OF JOY

  Christine Rimmer

  For T & E with all my love.

  Chapter 1

  Rachel Stockham was certain she had to be the only six-months-pregnant woman in the state of Oregon who spent the majority of her non-working hours fantasizing about sex.

  Why me? Rachel found herself wondering on a daily basis.

  As a medical professional she knew what she needed to know about pregnancy and childbirth. And beyond being a nurse, as a mother-to-be, she’d made it her business to read all the best and most current books on the subject.

  She knew very well what her top preoccupations should be at six months along and none of them were sex. Uh-uh. Leading the list should be heartburn and swelling ankles—those and the bigger questions: Will my baby be healthy? And, in her case, How will I cope with single motherhood, a seriously bipolar mother of my own and my extremely satisfying but also demanding and emotionally draining career?