The Secret Wife Read online

  She remembered what Millie had said about loving the “maleness” as much as the man himself. One of the books from the library had said the same thing. That a man’s sense of self-worth was influenced by a woman’s acceptance or lack of acceptance of that most intimate part of him.

  Elissa smiled as she realized that even alone in the privacy of her bedroom she wouldn’t allow herself to think the P word, let alone say it.

  “It’s just a word,” she said aloud. “It describes something. How on earth do you expect to touch it if you can’t even say it?”

  She sucked in a breath. “Penis,” she whispered, then shot a guilty look around the room. When lightning didn’t strike her dead, she laughed.

  If she hadn’t been blushing, she might have pronounced herself cured.

  She flipped through the book on her lap. She finally had a reasonable understanding of her body and its workings. Unlike a male body, it was more difficult to tell when she was interested in sex. There was no obvious display of arousal, although according to these authors there were distinct signs. She’d never noticed any of them, but then, she’d never known what to look for before.

  Thinking back to the kiss she and Cole had shared last week, she realized she had been aroused. If he’d touched her between her legs he would have felt the telltale wetness.

  A shiver rippled through her at the thought of him stroking her there. She closed her eyes and grimaced. All those years before, she’d urged Cole to hurry. When he’d wanted to linger over the very things that would have made her enjoy their sexual relationship, she’d told him to get on with it. No wonder she’d occasionally found penetration painful. No wonder she’d never felt the tingling or tension of approaching release. She’d been so determined to disconnect herself from what was going on, she hadn’t given either of them a chance.

  Was it too late? She was determined to make sure it wasn’t. She and Cole deserved happiness and she believed with all her heart that they belonged together. Therefore, they were going to have to make it work.

  She picked up another book and turned to the first chapter. She was going to learn all she could so that when the opportunity showed itself, she would be ready.

  Just like school, she told herself. Only this time, while the reading material might make her uncomfortable, the homework was going to be heaven.

  * * *

  Cole couldn’t concentrate. It was a common condition these days, he reminded himself, and he might as well get used to it. Unfortunately, there was still work to be done, whether he could focus on it or not. Maybe he should think about spending more time at his office in Ojai. He usually hated to do that because it kept him away from the kids, but he was beginning to think he didn’t have a choice. It was either be away from them or not get any work done at all.

  Or he could fire Elissa.

  Most days, she was the source of his problems. Even today, when he had other things on his mind, she haunted him. If he got her out of his life, then he might have a fighting chance. It was the solution that made the most sense. But he knew he wouldn’t…couldn’t let her go. Not yet.

  She was everywhere. Even as he told himself he was courting the most lethal kind of trouble, he found himself seeking her out. It was insane. Hadn’t her physical rejection been enough to remind him of the pain of their marriage? Did he need her turning away from him in bed again? Couldn’t he recall the intense pain he’d felt, as if he’d bared his very soul and she’d found him disgusting?

  Yet time and again he returned to her. He sat near her at dinner, he listened as she spoke to the children, he made excuses to go into the office.

  Something had happened at the science camp. Something other than her rejection of him. While that bitter memory was foremost in his mind, so was the image of her gasping for air after falling while playing football. In that split second, before he knew she hadn’t been seriously hurt, he’d thought he might lose her. He’d realized then that it was better to risk pain and be around her than to live in a world without her.

  He would continue to keep his distance, he told himself. This didn’t mean he trusted her or even cared about her. She was just a part of his life. A freckle or a mole he wasn’t fond of but was willing to keep around.

  “Tell that to a doctor and they’ll lock you up,” he muttered. “Rightfully so.”

  It wasn’t his fault, he reminded himself. He couldn’t ignore Elissa, because she was everywhere. He couldn’t turn around without finding her near him, next to him, touching him.

  The touching. A brief pressure on his arm as she asked him to pass the salt at dinner. Fingers on his shoulders as she leaned over him to read what was on his computer screen. Soft, sweet breasts burning into his upper arm as she moved around him in a crowded hall. He spent his days aroused. Amazingly enough, he was getting used to it. Worse, he was starting to like it.

  As if conjured by his thoughts, Elissa walked into his office. He didn’t need to turn around to confirm her presence. Not only could he inhale the sweet scent of her perfume, he could see her reflected in his computer screen.

  “Am I interrupting?” she asked, coming up to stand behind him. “Uh-oh. Your screen saver is on.” She pointed at the small squares of light meant to represent stars moving across his black screen. “Either you’ve finished for the day or you don’t know what to write next. Should I ask which?”

  “You can guess.”

  “A difficult point of law?” she asked, resting her hands lightly on his shoulders.

  He told himself to move away, to slide the chair either to the left or the right and she would get the message. But he didn’t. And when her fingers tightened on tense muscles, he couldn’t suppress a groan of pleasure.

  “I’m drafting an agreement in a divorce settlement,” he said, letting his head fall forward as her thumbs swept up his neck.

  “From the women’s shelter?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” He closed his eyes. “That’s great. Thanks.”

  She dug in deeper, finding the source of his tension and kneading it into submission.

  “But there’s something else, isn’t there?”

  “Yeah.” He was only half-aware of the conversation. “I hate that it bothers me, but it does. That’s the hell of it.”

  “What bothers you?”

  “I got a letter from my grandfather.”

  As soon as he spoke the words, he realized what he’d said. He swore under his breath.

  Elissa barely paused in her ministrations. “What did he have to say?”

  He shrugged off her hands and turned the swivel chair toward her. She leaned against the corner of his desk. Despite her calm voice she was obviously shocked.

  He stared at her as if he’d never seen her before. Perhaps he never had. This wasn’t the woman he’d married. Time and maturity had transformed Elissa into someone different. Someone he didn’t know.

  He liked the new Elissa. In some ways she’d gotten tougher. She no longer feared him or his moods. He appreciated not having to monitor everything he said. In other ways, she was softer, more open. Life had taught them both meaningful lessons.

  Five years ago he wouldn’t have wanted to discuss this letter with her. Not only would she not have understood, but he would have known instinctively that she would have resented any show of weakness on his part. She’d needed him to always be strong.

  Today that was less important. While it wasn’t his style to be a wimp, he no longer felt he had to conceal his worries from her. Odd that in some ways he didn’t trust her at all, and in others he trusted her implicitly.

  “You look as stunned as I felt,” he told her. “It’s not as bad this time, though.”

  “This time?” She folded her arms over her chest. “He’s written you before?”

  “About a month ago. He wants me to fly to New York and meet with him. He says we’re family.” The word tasted bitter. “After all this time, he wants to be family. Where was he when I was growing up?”

/>   “Being a foolish, lonely man,” Elissa said. “I don’t think you should welcome him back into your life with open arms, but—” She broke off and gave him a tight smile. “Sorry. You didn’t ask my opinion, did you?”

  “I’d still like to hear it.”

  She nodded her thanks. “I think family is important, however annoying they can be.”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.” He leaned back in his chair and scowled. “These damn letters annoy me. There’s something imperious about them, as if he’s the Russian czar writing to one of his peasants.”

  “I doubt that’s how he means it.”

  “See for yourself.” He reached into the mess on his desk and pulled out a business-size envelope.

  She took it from him and removed a single typed sheet of paper. He’d read it enough times to be able to follow along as she scanned the page.

  Dermott William Stephenson III regretted that he’d missed so many years with his only living relative and wished to make amends. If Cole would be so kind as to call Dermott’s secretary, a flight to New York could be arranged. The visit would cover many issues, including Cole’s future.

  He closed his mind against the rest of it. He didn’t want to remember that.

  As he looked at Elissa, at the way the waning sunlight slipped into the room to illuminate her gold-blond hair, he thought about how much he wanted her. While they’d both grown up, he hadn’t stopped needing her. But he wasn’t going to push anything. Ever. He’d learned that lesson when he’d kissed her last week at the science camp. He refused to put himself through another rejection like that.

  And yet… He rubbed his eyes. He’d frightened her. He understood that now. He’d taken things too quickly. He hadn’t taught her that physical love should include pleasure. Guilt made him squirm. With the hindsight of time, he realized she’d never experienced climax. At least, not with him.

  The thought of her with another man made him want to lash out in rage, so he pushed that thought away, too.

  It was too late to fix the past, yet he felt he needed to apologize. The problem was, he wasn’t sure for what. Would she even understand?

  Elissa put down the letter. “He is a little regal in his tone. I’m sure he’s used to having things done his way. You’re probably the first person to defy him in years.”

  “All that talk about my future. I feel as if he wants to offer me a job as stock boy in one of his retail firms.”

  She smiled. “I’m sure you would at least be a management trainee.” Her smile faded. “He’s still your grandfather. My guess is that if you don’t make some kind of effort, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  “Maybe.” He fingered the expensive, thick letterhead. “He’s not exactly what I’d hoped for when I imagined a family. I wanted something more like you had.”

  “Me?” She touched a hand to her chest. “We were far from perfect.”

  “That was the point. Three sisters who adored each other. What could be better?”

  “Parents who got along,” she said, then shook her head. “Never mind. That’s a silly thing to wish for here. There are several dozen children in the next building who would gladly take any one or two parents, however imperfect. I’ve no right to complain.”

  “Sure you do,” he said gently. “We always want something better.”

  “Fine. You envy me my sisters and I’ll envy you your purpose.” She settled on the edge of the desk, resting her behind to the right of the blotter. Her sandal-clad feet bumped into the built-in file drawers. “I’m twenty-five years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Isn’t that awful?”

  “No. It’s pretty common. The people who have already chosen a career that they like are the lucky ones, but I don’t think they’re the norm.”

  She nodded. “I want to do something with the children. I’ve been thinking about going back to college and getting my degree in administration. I would…”

  She continued talking, but he no longer heard the words. There was something hypnotic about the sound of her voice. Something that drew him in.

  He liked her.

  The realization startled him so much, he nearly slipped out of the chair. Elissa stopped talking in midsentence.

  “What is it?” she asked. “You’ve got the oddest expression on your face.”

  He stared at her intently. When had it happened? How had she slipped past his defenses? “I like you,” he said, still shocked by the information. “We’re friends.”

  “I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

  She smiled at him. She’d smiled at him a thousand times before, but this time was different. This time her obvious pleasure reached down and touched the cold darkness of his soul.

  “I’ve never liked you before,” he said. “I’ve either loved you or hated you. There’s been no middle ground.”

  “How do you like it out here?”

  He thought for a minute. “It’s not too bad.”

  For now. He acknowledged the voice inside that whispered she would leave him and that liking her might prove to be as dangerous as loving her once had been.

  She nodded toward the letter. “What are you going to do about your grandfather?”

  “I’ve written a reply agreeing to accept his high-handed invitation, but I don’t know if I’ll send it.”

  “I wish you would. Life is too short to avoid people who want to care about you. I know that now. He’s an old man. He won’t be around to ignore forever. I don’t want you to have regrets.”

  The obvious implication being that she had regrets. He wanted to believe they were about him, about them and their marriage. He wanted to know that she wished with all her heart to have those days and weeks back again, to replay every moment and this time get it right. God knows that was his wish.

  But neither of them was going to get that second chance. Life was a one-way street and U-turns weren’t allowed. They couldn’t go back; they could only go forward.

  “It’s not just about you,” she continued, as if she could read his mind. “I also regret my relationship with my father. After the divorce I was so angry with him. Not only for leaving me, but for the drinking and the parties. He was never around. On the days he was supposed to visit with us, he was either drunk or hungover. So I punished him as only a teenager can. I refused to see him again, or even to speak to him. And then he was dead.”

  Her green eyes darkened with unshed tears. She blinked away the moisture. “That’s what hurts the most,” she said softly, her voice raw with emotion. “I never got to tell him I loved him. The last time I saw him before the accident, he asked me to and I said no.”

  “He knew.”

  “Did he? I’m not convinced.” She drew in a deep breath. “The sad part is that I’d already forgiven him for everything. I loved him—how could I not forgive him?”

  “You always were a generous sort.”

  “Not me,” she said intently. “Never me, Cole. You. You were the one who forgave me a thousand times. No matter how I treated you, you always said you understood. When I think of what I did, what I said…” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” he told her gruffly. “I deserved everything you said.”

  “Never.”

  She slipped off the desk and took a step toward him. Before she bent down, before her hand rested on his forearm to steady herself, before he felt the heat and sweetness of her mouth on his, he knew she was going to kiss him.

  He wasn’t sure he could stand it. Not again. Not after what had happened last time.

  Yet as she moved closer, her intent clearly exposed in her eyes, he found he couldn’t move away. All his promises of avoiding rejection, of not putting himself in that position again, faded in the reality of being close to her. Nothing else mattered.

  Her lips brushed against his.

  Passion exploded and he wanted to haul her against him. But he’d learned that lesson well. Instead he did nothin
g.

  She kept her mouth pressed to his, their breath mingling. He felt her mouth shift and she was smiling as she straightened.

  “Nice,” she murmured.

  Instead of taking comfort from her single word, he felt as if he’d been sucker punched.

  “It should always have been nice,” he said, turning his head away and clutching the arms of his chair. If she hadn’t been standing in front of him, he would already have walked out of the room. But he didn’t want to risk touching her, and there was no way to get past her without physical contact.

  She pressed her fingertips against his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “It was nice,” she said.

  At his grimace of disbelief she added, “Often it was very nice.”

  Humiliation filled him. “I never meant to frighten you,” he said quickly, wanting to get it over with. “I just want you so much. I can’t apologize for that, because I don’t regret wanting you, but I’m sorry it scared you. I should have gone slower or been better or—”

  “Shh.” She slid her fingers around until they touched his mouth. “No more apologies. From either of us. We both messed up. We were young and ignorant. I understand a lot more now.”

  She might as well have slit him open with a knife and left him on the ground to die. It would have been more humane.

  She jumped back as if she’d seen a snake. “What is it? Why do you look like that? What’s wrong?”

  Wasn’t it obvious? “Who is he?” he asked, knowing it was self-mutilation to want to know.

  “Who is who? What are you— Oh.” Her expression softened into compassion. “No, Cole. There hasn’t been anyone but you. What I meant is that I’ve been growing up while we’ve been apart. I understand some things more. At least, I understand them in theory.” She blushed faintly. “There are some things you can’t learn from a book.”