Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy Page 8

  She glanced at him over her shoulder. “You know that Lia shouldn’t go out into crowded places for a few more days. You don’t want her exposed to a lot of germs.”

  Tanner looked insulted. “I’m hardly going to take her to the toy store with me. Then she’ll know they’re not from Santa.”

  Kelly didn’t know whether to laugh at him or throw the spoon she was holding. “Santa? You think she’ll notice?”

  “Of course. She’s an incredibly bright baby. I would have thought as a doctor you would have recognized that already.” He jotted down a couple more items. “I’ll either go at lunch, or ask Mrs. Dawson to stay an extra half hour while I stop at the toy store on my way home.”

  Mrs. Dawson was the baby nurse Patricia had recommended. The lovely older woman had stopped by that morning to meet both Tanner and Lia. She was gentle, experienced and had enough credentials and recommendations to get a job with a visiting head of state.

  “Are you sure you don’t want Mrs. Dawson to stay at night?” she asked. Tanner had surprised her by requesting the baby nurse take care of Lia only during the day.

  “No, but I want to try it that way first. If I can’t get any sleep, I’ll have to have her stay longer. But I want to get used to taking care of my daughter myself. As soon as she’s old enough, I’ll bring her to the office with me. I’ve got several recommendations for day care for times when bringing her to work is impossible.” He shrugged. “It’s not a perfect solution, but I’m willing to be flexible until I find what works best for both of us.”

  “Very impressive,” Kelly told him. “Less than a week ago you had no plans to keep her, and now you’re pulling it all together.”

  “I don’t have a choice.”

  “That’s true. Once you decided to keep her, you were stuck. But you’re still handling it well.” She knew that if she’d met him at a party, she would have dismissed him as too good-looking to be anything but self-centered and shallow. But Kelly would have been the shallow one by making that judgment without getting to know him. She also would have been wrong.

  She turned down the heat on her spaghetti sauce, picked up her glass of wine and walked over to the counter where Tanner worked. It was surprisingly easy to spend time with him. She’d been worried that the weekend might be awkward, but she’d enjoyed herself very much.

  “All right, Mr. Malone, it’s time for you to spill the beans. Why don’t you have a wife and half a dozen kids, or at least three, like your brother?”

  He set down his pen and looked at her. “Not my style.”

  She motioned to the kitchen. “Confirmed bachelors don’t remodel. At least they don’t remodel a perfect home for a family. You told me you don’t cook very much, but look at this kitchen. You did a terrific job.”

  “For resale.”

  “Liar,” she said softly. His blue eyes were the most amazing shade, she thought, wishing she could get lost inside them. “I don’t get a chance to cook all that often, but even I’m dying to make Thanksgiving dinner in there.”

  “I wouldn’t stop you,” he said.

  “I’ve heard about your reputation with women. You can’t be lacking in offers for permanent roommates.”

  He shrugged, then took a drink of his wine. “It never worked out that way. I’ve always had long-term relationships that just ended.”

  “Did you know they would end when you started?”

  “What?”

  She leaned against the counter. “I have this theory about people who practice serial monogamy. Most of the time they aren’t interested in a permanent commitment, but they don’t want to admit that. So they find someone who appears to have all the qualities they could want in a mate. They go out for a few months or even a few years, then something happens. There’s a fatal flaw and they break up. Later, when they talk about the relationship, they always mention knowing from the beginning that something was wrong. Instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, they are secretly searching for the almost-right person who has a fatal flaw. That way they look like they’re trying to get involved, but they’re really not.”

  He frowned. “That’s pretty twisted.”

  “Does it sound right?”

  “I’m not sure. Ryan did the wife and family thing, but it was never anything I wanted.”

  “Has that changed? You have a daughter now.”

  “Tell me about it.” He took another sip of wine. “Things have to be different. I know I’m going to have to be more careful about who I let into our lives now that it’s not just me. If I want a relationship, I’ll need to find someone who will be accepting of Lia, too.”

  “That won’t be a problem,” Kelly said.

  He leaned toward her. “I have to ask you a question. As a woman, I mean.”

  “All right.”

  He took a deep breath. “What am I supposed to tell Lia about her mother? I’m not upset about Lucy’s decision. In fact, I’m glad she’s gone. She never wanted to have children and I don’t think she would have been very patient with a baby. But I don’t want to say that to Lia. I don’t want to tell her that her mother didn’t want her. I never want her to know that Lucy thought about having an abortion and that I had to talk her out of it. How is a kid supposed to survive knowing that?”

  Kelly felt as if all the blood had rushed out of her. She felt cold and lightheaded. She’d had this exact conversation with herself a thousand times in the past. Maybe more.

  “Some mothers don’t give up their children so easily,” she said, working hard to keep her voice steady. “Some spend the rest of their lives wondering if they did the right thing.”

  “Maybe.” Tanner sounded doubtful. “That still doesn’t answer my question. How do I tell Lia that her mother didn’t want her?”

  Kelly took a step back. “I can’t help you with this,” she said. “Maybe you should talk to Ryan or Patricia. Maybe a child psychologist could help. It’s not something you have to deal with for a while.”

  “I guess not.” He stared at her. “Are you all right?”

  She wanted to leave, to run away and hide. Except she’d done that before and the problem always followed her. So instead she straightened her spine and squared her shoulders.

  “I’m fine. Your question caught me off guard because it’s something I’ve thought a lot about.”

  “Because you deliver babies who are going to be given up for adoption,” he said. “I understand.”

  “No, you don’t. I’ve thought about this because I once gave up a child.”

  Chapter 7

  Kelly figured she’d already started down the road of telling the truth, so she might as well continue. “It was a long time ago,” she said. “I was all of seventeen when I got pregnant. It was difficult for me then and to be honest, it’s still a little tough to talk about.”

  She risked a glance at Tanner, then wished she hadn’t. He was staring at her wide-eyed, his face a mask of stunned surprise. She folded her arms over her chest. This was why she didn’t share the details of her past with many people. So few of them understood.

  He continued to stare at her. She had to dig down deep to find enough anger to combat her hurt. So he was going to judge her. She shouldn’t have expected anything else...except she had. She’d thought Tanner might understand.

  “You weren’t there,” she said crisply. “You can’t know what it’s like.”

  “I never said I could,” he told her. “I don’t think less of you, I’m just...”

  “Surprised, shocked, disapproving?”

  “None of those.” He placed his hands flat on the counter and stared at her. “Never anything like that. I have great respect for you, Kelly. If I’m feeling anything it’s that I’m relieved to find out you’re human, just like the rest of us. Until five minutes ago, I’d assumed you were o
ne of those annoying, perfect people. You know the kind—always showing everyone up with their neatly planned lives. You’re everything I could never be. I can’t believe you made a mistake.”

  “I’m just a regular person.” She bit her lower lip, not sure she could believe him. Was he really not judging her?

  “You’re not like the rest of us,” he said. “Look at you. You’re a gifted doctor. You’ve saved dozens of lives, maybe more. You committed yourself to years of schooling when most people just want to get on with their lives. I’m just some guy who builds hospital wings. No special talent required there.”

  She moved closer to the counter. “You’re wrong. It does take talent to coordinate a project that size. We’re talking about adding on a hospital wing that’s going to cost a hundred million dollars. I can’t even comprehend that much money, but you’re going to make it happen.” Kelly felt the corners of her mouth turn up in a slight smile. “I have trouble keeping my checkbook balanced.”

  He grinned. “Me, too. I give it to my bookkeeper, and he does it for me.” He patted the stool next to him. “Have a seat.”

  She hesitated, then took her glass of wine with her as she circled the counter. When she’d settled in place, he faced her.

  “I’d like to hear about what happened to you. If you were just seventeen, you were probably still in high school when you got pregnant, right?”

  Kelly drew in a deep breath. Something about Tanner made her want to share her past. Maybe it was the way he studied her face so intently, or the kindness in his eyes. Maybe it was nothing more than the desire to unburden herself to someone willing to listen. Whatever the reason, she found herself needing to talk.

  “I grew up in a small town in Kansas,” she began. “My mom died when I was born, and my dad raised me by himself.” Pictures from her past appeared in her brain and made her smile. “He’s a good man and a great father. I always felt as if I were the center of his universe.”

  “I hope I can do that for Lia,” Tanner said.

  Kelly studied him. “I think you will. The fact that you’re worried about it means it’s all the more likely to happen.” She paused. “My dad’s a Baptist minister. He has a huge church and the members keep him busy, but he always made time for me.”

  She touched the base of her wineglass but didn’t lift it to drink. “I was a normal kid. I did well in school, and I’d always wanted to be a doctor. There wasn’t a lot of extra money, so I’d planned on getting a scholarship. I did the usual things in high school. There were ups and downs, but whatever happened, however badly I was feeling, I knew I could always go to my dad and tell him. All I had to do was look into his eyes and see the light of his love shining out. That light—his love really—gave me the strength I needed to do the right thing.”

  Tanner’s warm hand settled over hers. The heat of him and the pressure of his strong fingers nearly distracted her from her story. She had to force herself to remember what she’d been saying.

  “In my senior year of high school I fell in love for the first time.”

  “I’ll bet you were the prettiest girl in school and all the boys wanted you desperately.”

  His compliment made her smile. “Not exactly. I’m five-ten, and I achieved my full height by the time I was thirteen. It took them a while to catch up. But they finally did. Anyway, the night of the homecoming dance, one thing led to another and in the front of Bobby’s car, I lost my virginity and got pregnant. It was a full evening.”

  This time she did take a sip of her wine, but she used her right hand to hold the glass. She didn’t want to pull her left one away from Tanner’s touch. Contact with him gave her strength and a feeling of support, which was silly because they were just friends.

  She squeezed her eyes shut for a second because nothing made sense anymore. Why did it seem like things had just changed between them?

  “You don’t have to finish the story if you don’t want to,” he told her.

  “Thanks, but there’s not much more to tell. I ignored the truth for as long as I could. I think I figured if I ignored it, it would go away. Of course life and pregnancies don’t work that way. Then I received word that I’d earned a full scholarship to college. All I had to do was keep my grades up my last semester.”

  “No pressure there,” Tanner said.

  Kelly nodded. “I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. Finally I knew I’d have to tell my dad. Somewhere between breakfast and presents on Christmas morning, I confessed all and broke my father’s heart.” She withdrew her hand from Tanner’s grasp and laced her fingers together on her lap.

  “He was the best,” she said softly, not looking at him, barely allowing herself to remember that time. But it was so hard not to get lost in the past, in the pain of that day and the days that followed.

  “He went to the school district and made arrangements for me to finish my classes, even though there was an unwritten policy against pregnant teenagers attending regular classes. He dealt with the parishioners who thought I should be punished. He took me to the doctor, made sure I ate right. And when the time came, he helped me pick out the parents who adopted my child.”

  “But?” Tanner probed gently.

  “But the light in his eyes had died,” she whispered. She drew in a deep breath and risked glancing at him. “I never saw it again. The one thing that told me I was perfect and loved unconditionally was gone. And no matter what I’ve done since, it’s never come back.”

  She rose to her feet because it had suddenly become impossible to stay seated. After crossing to the sink, she pressed her hands against the cool porcelain and bowed her head. That had been the day Christmas had become more about sadness than joy.

  “That was the hardest seven months of my life. At school no one would talk to me. My boyfriend disappeared the second I told him I was pregnant, and my friends were too embarrassed or too angry to have anything to do with me. Going to church was a nightmare. Most of the congregation understood, but the ones who judged me were also the most vocal. And I wondered. Was I doing the right thing? After all, I was smart and motivated. Maybe I should forget the idea of being a doctor and get a job instead.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “No. We found a nice couple who desperately wanted a child. So I gave her up.”

  She heard Tanner swear under his breath. “You had a girl?”

  She nodded. “Annie Jane. She was born in the middle of the summer. I had an easy delivery, but they wouldn’t let me hold her. Instead they took her away. All I could do was wonder if I’d done the right thing or the easy thing.”

  Feelings welled up inside of her. Pain at the past, regrets for what she’d done and what she’d not done. It was too late, she reminded herself. Choices had been made, and they couldn’t be unmade.

  “I’ve never had any contact with her or her parents, but her grandparents on her adoptive mother’s side have stayed in touch with me. They keep me updated on her progress, send pictures. Their daughter couldn’t have children, so they’re very grateful to me for giving them Annie.”

  “Does she know she’s adopted?” he asked.

  “Oh yes. It hasn’t been a secret. But she’s not interested in meeting me. Maybe in time, but for now she’s happy with her family the way it is.” She straightened. “I know she’s fine. I know that her life is a good one and that she has loving parents. But I can’t help wondering how it all would have been if I hadn’t chosen to be selfish. If I’d just—”

  She hadn’t heard Tanner move, but suddenly he was standing behind her, turning her to face him. “Don’t,” he commanded. “Don’t say it, and don’t you dare even think it. You were seventeen years old, Kelly. You had a hell of a choice to make, and you did the best you could. Sure you could have kept her, and then what? Gotten a job right out of high school? What about your dream of being a doct
or?”

  “What about my daughter?”

  “What about her? Are you saying you could have done better?”

  “I don’t know.”

  His blue eyes darkened as he gripped her shoulders. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t second-guess the past. You have a wonderful life, and so does she. If the situation were to happen today, you would have chosen differently. But it wasn’t today. You were a kid. Give yourself a break.”

  “I want to,” she said. And she did. She’d spent so much of her life beating herself up for her choices back then. Was it wrong to let the past go? She wanted to believe she was allowed, but she wasn’t sure. “As for my life being wonderful, sometimes it is, but sometimes it’s very lonely.”

  Especially during the holidays, she thought but didn’t say.

  Tanner’s mouth tightened. “Why did I know you were going to say that?” he asked, but he didn’t seem to be expecting an answer. Instead of holding her shoulders, his hands were moving up and down her arms. “I wish you hadn’t told me this,” he said, then shook his head when he saw the look on her face. “Don’t get all weird on me. I don’t mean because I think less of you. If anything, I admire you even more. But knowing about your past makes you...”

  “What?”

  “Approachable.”

  He was standing so close, she thought. She could feel his heat warming her. His hands were firm on her arms. He was a strong, solid man—the kind of man who made women feel safe and protected.

  “It’s as if you’re just like everyone else,” he murmured.

  “I always have been.”

  “Not to me, and I think I preferred it that way.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it would have kept me from doing this.”

  She knew what he was going to do before he did it. Even so, his kiss startled her. Not the fact that his lips pressed against hers, but because they felt so right. There was a sense of coming home—which was crazy but true. The scent of his body filled her, and it was as though she already knew that scent. He kissed slowly, as if they had all the time in the world. As if taking that time would only increase their passion. Desire flickered low in her belly as heat poured through her body.