Tempting Faith Page 21

  “Never,” he murmured, touching her hair, her back, her arms, then cupping her face and tenderly kissing her mouth. “I’d never hurt you.”

  Deliberately, she thought, mentally voicing the unspoken word. Because he would hurt her—he would leave.

  “And I’ll never abandon my cats,” she said, disentangling herself from his embrace. “Go on, get out of here so I can get dressed. I’ll meet you at Tigger’s cage in ten minutes.”

  He kissed her once more, then left the room. She stood there, alone. By the end of the week, the cubs would be gone and Cort along with them. She touched her fingers to her mouth. She could almost taste the heartbreak.

  *

  Faith stared at the pile of forms on her desk. She’d sorted them by category, dividing them into federal, state and local agencies. Several had to be sent off to her attorney. About a third of them were finished. Those she slipped into envelopes and put in an empty box. The rest still had to be filled out. She fingered the two-inch-high pile. Could she do it? Could she not?

  Sparky strolled into her office, followed by Cort. Despite spending the morning helping her muck out cages, he still looked good, she thought, staring at his face. His hair had grown since he’d been here, and reached about a half inch past his collar. She liked it longer. Faith shook her head. Who was she trying to kid? She liked everything about him.

  “Now what are you working on?” he asked, plopping down in the chair in front of her desk.

  “More forms.”

  “So you’ve decided to go ahead with the snow-leopard project?”

  “I guess.”

  He grinned. “That doesn’t sound too enthusiastic.”

  “I’m not convinced I’m going to make it, but I’ve realized I have to try.”

  His gold-flecked eyes flickered with something that might have been respect. “I always knew you would.”

  She leaned forward and grabbed the top form. “While you’re expounding on your precognitive powers, why not give me a little peek into the future and tell me how it’s all going to turn out? You could save me dozens of sleepless nights.”

  “I have every confidence in you.”

  She tossed the form into the air and watched it flutter back to her desk. Sparky settled in the corner and yawned. She envied the big cat his simple, boring life. Right now, boring looked pretty appealing.

  “Why are you so sure it’s going to happen?” she asked.

  He crossed his ankle over his opposite knee. “Because I know you. I know what you’re capable of. Remember when we went shooting?”

  She nodded.

  “You told me you used to be afraid of guns, but you learned how to handle a rifle. Now you’re a marksman. You’re the best kind of team player, Faith. You’re not afraid to get the job done.”

  His compliments made her want to do something foolish, like blush and stammer. Or worse, tell him how she felt about him. She took a deep breath and did neither.

  “I’m still afraid,” she said.

  “What do you need that you don’t have?”

  “Aside from these forms and permits, I need—” She stood up and walked over to a map she’d pinned up on the wall. It showed the northeast section of North Dakota reduced to a two-foot square. She’d highlighted the land she’d bought. “I need a road from the state highway up to where I want the breeding center to be. I need to find a vet who wants to learn all he or she can about snow leopards. I need habitats and buildings and a source of food. I need six breeding pairs, but I’d settle for two. I need employees.” She touched the map, trying to remember how beautiful and rugged the land had been when she’d visited it last year. “I need a house to live in and a room of some kind, big enough for fund-raising parties.” She looked back at Cort and smiled. “Not much, huh?”

  He raised his eyebrows. “What’s your bottom line?”

  “How much money?” She shrugged. “Interesting. I’d need enough for all that I’ve mentioned, plus the snow leopards. Of course, getting them is a lot more about government forms and legalities than it is about money. Altogether?” She did a couple of mental calculations. “Five million dollars. That would keep me up and running for a year.”

  Cort let out a low whistle. “I was going to offer to float you a loan, but the spy business doesn’t pay that well.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but I wouldn’t have accepted, anyway.”

  “Why? I thought we were friends.”

  “We are, it’s just—” She paused. “What do spies spend their money on?”

  He stood up and grinned. “Life insurance.” He walked over to the map. “How much have you already raised?”

  Faith leaned against the wall. “Once I set up my own foundation, the way station will give me a million and a half.”

  “So you’re a third of the way there.”

  “If I get it all together.” She looked at him. “I only have a two-year college degree. I know cats, but I don’t know business.” “That’s what lawyers are for, Faith. And business managers. Hire someone.”

  “Edwina always did it herself.”

  “You’re not Edwina. You have other goals.”

  “I know you’re right. I’m just—”

  “Scared.” He reached out and touched her cheek.

  “Yeah. See, I’m not the strong woman you thought I was.” She tried to smile, but she could feel her lips quivering and she let it die. Cort stared at her with an intensity that made her uncomfortable. She wanted to lean on him and let him tell her that she could do it, but she knew she would be foolish to start that particular habit.

  “What about you?” she asked brightly, stepping away from him and returning to her desk. She perched on the corner. “When Jeff has the cubs moved on Friday, are you going back in the field? Fight the good fight and all that?”

  He surprised her by shaking his head. “I’m not sure I can go back.”

  “Why?”

  “What’s waiting for me there? Another situation like the one with Dan? How many more friends am I going to be asked to kill?” He laughed harshly and without humor. “Who am I kidding? Except for Jeff, I don’t have any friends.”

  “I’m your friend,” she said softly.

  “It’s a risky proposition. You might want to rethink it, Faith. I could be after you next.” He walked across the room, turned and paced back.

  “I don’t plan on doing anything illegal.”

  His slight smile gave her hope. She had always been so good at reading her cats when they were in pain. She concentrated and tried to do the same with Cort.

  “I belong out in the field,” he told her, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “There are other options.”

  “Come in, you mean? Take that promotion Jeff’s been offering me? You think I haven’t considered that? But I’m a field man. Jeff had a reason for coming in. I don’t.”

  Jeff’s reason had been his wife. Cort had no one. Faith told herself she was foolish to hope, and yet she remembered how tenderly Cort had held her and made love to her last night and this morning. He might still be in love with that other woman, the one who had stolen his heart, but maybe, just maybe, he was starting to care about her, too.

  “Maybe you don’t have to have a reason to come in,” she said. “Maybe it’s just the best thing for you to do. You can’t punish yourself forever. You have to let go of the past and try to recover. It’s been long enough for you to forget.” If only he would forget.

  He came to stop in front of her. “Long enough? It’s been less than a month.”

  “A month? You said it had happened years ago.”

  Cort’s eyebrows drew together. “Dan died on my last mission.” “Dan? I was talking about that woman you loved. The one who broke your heart.”

  Cort turned away and swore.

  “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean to bring up the past. I respect the feelings you had for her. She was a big part of your life, and it’s never easy to let som
ething like that go. It’s just that I was thinking, you and I…”

  He started to walk out of the room. Faith swallowed and told herself she’d made a huge mistake. Of course he hadn’t recovered from his past. Of course he wasn’t interested in a woman like her. It was stupid to imagine otherwise. She wasn’t the kind of woman who made men want to stay. She wasn’t the kind of woman men loved.

  “I shouldn’t have said anything.” She stared at her hands and twisted her fingers together. “I’m sorry.”

  Cort slammed his hand against the half-open door. Faith jumped and Sparky half rose to his feet before peering around the room, then settling back down.

  “Why do women do this?” he asked, turning to face her. She could see the rage in his eyes. “Why? Can you explain it? I respect you. I care about what happens to you. I had a hell of a good time in bed with you. Why isn’t that enough?”

  Embarrassment flooded her body, and her cheeks flushed. “I didn’t mean—”

  “Yes, you did. You want to know about my past, Faith? You want to hear every detail?” He walked over and stood directly in front of her. “I met this girl in college. A few laughs, nothing long lasting. I knew what I wanted, and it wasn’t a wife. So one day she says she’s pregnant.” He planted his hands on his hips. “Great way to mess up a life. Turns out she was just late. As soon as I found out she wasn’t pregnant, I took off.” He shrugged. “No mess, no broken heart.”

  Her horror grew with each word of his story. Dear God, she’d ached for him, for a heartbreak that had never existed. “Why did you lie to me?”

  “Because you wanted me to. You said you wanted to hear the real reason why I wasn’t married or involved, but you didn’t really. You wanted the female fantasy. The truth is, Faith, love is a lie. I never cared about that woman or any woman.”

  “You never cared about me,” she said numbly.

  “You’re a job. I do my job damn well.”

  “Especially in bed. I’ll have to mention that in my thankyou note to Jeff,” she said, then pushed past him. She ran down the hall and out into the compound. Once in the bright sunshine, she paused to catch her breath. Her chest felt tight, as if she’d been running for miles.

  Funny how he’d almost made her cry this morning. His tender words and gentle embrace had left her exposed. But this ugly truth didn’t make her want to cry. It hurt too much for tears. The hole inside, the place that had been formed by years of her father’s abandonment, and later by the man who had left her in college, doubled, then tripled in size in the face of Cort’s betrayal.

  It was worse this time, because she had known better. Life had taught her the reality of relationships. She’d stopped believing. But Cort had caused her to hope. He’d laid it all out for her to see, all the ugly scars of his past. By spinning his convincing tale, he’d made her think he’d truly loved before. And knowing he had loved once had made her hope he could love again. That was the irony of the situation. He had reminded her of how much she had to give. But it was a gift he didn’t want.

  She stumbled along the path in front of the cages. Behind her, she heard Cort call her name. She couldn’t face him now. She ducked between the two wild jaguars in their cages, narrowly missing being clawed by one of them, and doubled back through the trees. She came out behind Cort, ran into the building and locked herself in her office.

  Sparky looked curiously at her as she took Cort’s place pacing the room. She wanted to lash out at someone—at the man who had caused this ache. It felt as if her insides were twisting together into a tight knot. She wanted to be comforted and held, but the only person who could make it all go away was the one person who had caused the problem in the first place.

  As she approached the wall, she saw her map and the shaded area of her land. She saw the carefully sketched drawing of the habitats and the house. She glanced at the forms piled up on her desk.

  With a cry of despair, she picked up her metal trash can, and with one long sweep of her arm, she pulled the forms into the trash. Then she jerked the map from the wall and balled it up. It would never happen. She didn’t have the experience or the education. She had nothing but a stupid dream.

  She collapsed to the floor and pulled her legs up to her chest.

  “Faith!” Cort pounded on the door. “Let me in.”

  She rested her head on her knees and ignored him. Sparky walked over and nosed her. She ignored the black leopard, too. He bumped her on the shoulder, as if telling her he would always be there, then he laid down next to her and began to purr.

  It hurt, she thought, barely able to breathe through the pain. It hurt more than she’d imagined anything could. It wasn’t just knowing she’d lost Cort. It was that he wasn’t the man she’d thought him to be. She’d lost something that had never existed. The death of a dream. Of hope. He’d played her for a fool, handing her a line he used on all his women. That’s what she was, just another woman in a long line of broken hearts. Nothing special at all.

  Sparky sniffed her arm. She leaned down and cuddled the big cat, listening to his heartbeat. Cort continued pounding for a few more minutes, then he went away. When the ache in her chest became manageable, she let her gaze drift over the small room. She could be happy here, she told herself. She had been in the past. She could go on with what she was doing, keep the way station successfully. No one expected more.

  She looked up at the photos on the wall and saw the two of the snow leopards. She remembered her joy when she’d found out they’d survived after she’d rescued them. She shifted and pulled the trash can close and stared at the forms.

  No. She couldn’t give up and walk away just because her heart was broken. She couldn’t take the coward’s way out. She was stronger than that. Due to God or fate or whatever controlled the world, she was in a unique position to make a difference. She might fail, but she had to do her best first. She had to try.

  Faith collected the forms and stacked them back on her desk.

  She smoothed the map flat and pinned it on the wall. Then she took her seat and picked up the top paper. For a second, she couldn’t figure out why the lines and words seemed to be blurring, then she touched her cheek and felt the tears. She blinked them away and bent over to complete what she had begun.

  Chapter 15

  Cort stood beside the police car and watched the entrance of the main building. Faith followed the security guard out into the parking lot. She glanced around at the two police cruisers, searching through the small crowd collected next to the vehicles, until she found him. Their eyes met briefly. She stopped in midstride.

  She’d pulled her hair back in a ponytail, exposing her face to view. The blue T-shirt she wore clung to her torso, outlining her breasts, breasts that he had touched and tasted. The haunted look in her eyes and the quick steeling of her backbone was the only sign she gave that not two hours before he’d behaved like the worst kind of bastard and had deliberately hurt her.

  If it had been in his power to do so, he would have called the words back. He would gladly have paid whatever price to forever erase the look of pained humiliation on her face as he’d blurted out the ugly truth of his past. He had no right to treat her that way. Not just because Faith was his responsibility or because he respected her, but because no one deserved that kind of slap in the face. In a moment of anger, he’d selfishly allowed himself to lose his temper. He’d wanted to lash out at her specifically because she was the one who had made him question the very fabric of his existence. She was the one who asked about the good fight and his role in it. She was the one who made him wonder if doing his job well was enough to show for his life.

  He was no better than her father and the other men who had hurt her. He shook his head. That wasn’t right. He was worse, because he’d known what he was doing as he’d spoken the deadly words, and he’d gone ahead and said them, anyway.

  His only excuse was that in the moment of her confession, when she’d hinted that their relationship didn’t have to end just b
ecause his assignment was over, he’d wanted to stay. The need to put down roots scared the hell out of him. Sometime when he wasn’t looking, Faith had burrowed her way into him. Cutting her out would leave a hole inside. Fear of the pain had made him lash out to scare her away. The excuse was meaningless in the face of what he’d done, but it was all he had.

  Cort walked around the uniformed officers to where Faith hovered on the edge of the crowd. He saw her swallow as he approached. She glanced at the ground, then tossed her head back and stared straight at him.

  “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice calm and even.

  She looked pale. He couldn’t tell if she’d been crying, and the knot in his stomach jerked tighter. He hated knowing he might have made her cry. Not Faith. Not because of him. He’d always loved her strength best. Damn his sorry soul to hell.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  She glared up at him, her blue eyes flashing rage. She motioned to the police officers around them. “This is hardly the time. What are they doing here?”

  “I am sorry about before,” he said. “But that isn’t what I meant. Faith—” He took her arm. She tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t release her. “Ken is dead.”

  Her eyes grew wide. She made a strangled noise in her throat and covered her mouth with her hand. He started to pull her close to him, but she jerked away and stood alone.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  He tilted his head toward the officers talking together. “They found his body earlier today. He’d been shot. They’re checking, but they think it’s the same gun that was used here last night.”

  “Someone killed Ken because of the cubs?”

  He nodded.

  “Oh, no.” She folded her arms over her chest as if to ward off the bad news. “That poor boy. Not Ken. He was finally getting it all together.” She glanced around wildly. “He has no family. And now he’s gone? That’s not fair.”

  “Faith, I’m sorry.” He reached for her.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and fought to ignore the bitter taste on his tongue. “The police have a few questions.”