The Ladies' Man Page 18

  Noelle sighed. “He’s hurt. He loves you. I couldn’t understand what that meant before, but now, with Dev, I so get it. When I fell for Dev and was afraid he didn’t love me back, I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t imagine living through that much pain. It was horrible. Carter’s hurt and he’s lashing out. You have to give him a little room to deal with his pain.”

  “He can have all the room he wants,” she grumbled. “He can have miles and miles.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Noelle said. “You’re having his baby. That’s going to connect you forever.”

  “I’m sure he’s hating that.” Rachel took a bite of the quesadilla.

  “I still think he’s being totally unreasonable,” Crissy said. “Men are such a pain. Yes, he’s had his great emotional revelation, but is it Rachel’s fault that she doesn’t love him back?”

  “You can’t force love,” Noelle admitted. “It’s just too bad you can’t return his feelings. Then you could be a family.”

  Rachel knew her friends were being supportive and she was grateful for that, but she also felt a little judged. Crissy was trying to make a point and Noelle kept talking about Carter and what he’d done. In a perfect world, yes, she would have fallen madly in love and they could have lived happily ever after. But life wasn’t perfect.

  “I just can’t,” she said as she balled up her napkin and tossed it on the table. “I can’t be what he wants me to be.”

  “Which is what?” Crissy asked. “What does he want from you?”

  “He wants me to be…” Rachel paused. What had Carter asked for? Except for her to love him back and marry him, she couldn’t think of anything. “A person who loves him. It’s just not me.”

  “That’s okay,” Noelle said soothingly. “He’ll find someone else.”

  Rachel spun to face her. “What?”

  “Someone else,” her friend repeated. “Now that Carter understands that he can fall in love with someone, he’s going to want to do it again. I hope this time he can find someone to love him back.”

  Right. Because that was the mature and responsible thing to want. But that would mean that Carter would get married. Rachel would be like all his other exes—except she would have his baby. There she’d be, invited over at holidays like Jenny and a few select others. She’d bring the baby and they’d all fuss. Especially Carter’s new wife, because she wouldn’t want anyone to think she minded.

  Eventually he would have other children. Children who would make him forget the one he had with Rachel.

  “Stupid man,” she muttered. “It’s all her fault.”

  “Her who?” Crissy asked.

  “That woman he married. She’s awful.”

  Crissy sipped her wine again. “Are we talking about Carter’s imaginary wife? Maybe you’ll like her.”

  Rachel didn’t respond. She was busy dealing with the uncomfortable realization that she didn’t want Carter for herself, but she didn’t want anyone else to have him, either. And that thought made her exactly the kind of person she hated.

  “I’m sorry,” she said as she stood. “I can’t do this tonight. I have to go.”

  “Are you all right?” Noelle asked as she struggled to her feet. Crissy rose and helped her up. They both followed Rachel to the front door.

  “I’m fine,” Rachel said, wishing it were true. “I need some time to think. I’ll be okay.”

  They both hugged her and made her promise to call. Finally she escaped and made her way to her car. But instead of driving home, she circled through different neighborhoods until she found herself at the mall.

  It was a Friday night and the place was packed, mostly with teenagers. Rachel wandered the first level, trying to interest herself in a new body lotion or maybe a soft pretzel. Instead, she found her attention shift to the kids passing by. Most of them were in groups, but she saw a few couples.

  They were so intent on each other, she thought as she watched one girl melt into her boyfriend’s embrace, then kiss him passionately in an alcove by the card store. She had never been like that in high school. Never that carefree or that willing to get involved. She’d held herself apart because it still hurt—every minute of every day she’d missed her family.

  Someone should have taken her to counseling.

  The thought was so unexpected, she stopped right there, forcing a family with two strollers to walk around her.

  Counseling. Of course. She’d been twelve and she’d lost her entire family. Someone to talk to, someone who knew about grief, could have made a big difference. But no one had suggested it and she’d never thought to ask.

  She started walking again, but she didn’t see the stores. Instead she saw Brett, her first real boyfriend. He hadn’t been surprised when she’d broken off their engagement. He admitted he’d been expecting it.

  “You were never there,” he said. “I hoped it would get better, but you were always somewhere else. I couldn’t touch you.”

  She’d protested, saying they were both each other’s first time. How much more touching could there be? But he hadn’t meant physical contact. He’d meant something deeper and more significant.

  She’d run then, because it was the right thing to do. Because it was easy and what she knew. Ironically, she was still running.

  Where would she run to next? How many times would she turn away from what she wanted because she was afraid?

  But the fear was so real, she thought. So big. It was her world. It haunted her and when she tried to dismiss it, it reminded her of how much she had already lost. Could she survive more?

  Rachel arrived home to find Crissy waiting for her.

  “I can’t stand this,” her friend said from her seat at the top of the stairs. “I’m here to meddle, so brace yourself.”

  “I’m braced,” Rachel said as she opened the front door. “Come on in.”

  Crissy followed her into the apartment and set her purse on the table by the door. “I know this is your decision,” she said earnestly. “I’ve been telling myself this is your life and that you should be allowed to live it however you want.”

  “But?” Rachel asked, relieved to have someone to talk to.

  “But you’re going to make a mistake. I can feel it.” Crissy walked up to her, put both hands on her shoulders and shook her gently. “What on earth is wrong with you?”

  Rachel startled herself and most likely Crissy by bursting into tears. “I don’t know. I’m so afraid.”

  Crissy led her to the sofa and sat next to her. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s me. I’m just not like other people. There’s too much wrong with me.”

  Crissy pulled her close and rubbed her back. “Don’t be silly. You’re one of the most normal people I know. We all have flaws. We all deal with crap. Don’t beat yourself up for being human.”

  Rachel wiped her face. She felt emotionally spent and broken. “He’s great,” she said, still fighting tears. “I know that. He’s caring and honest and good and sexy. He has a terrific family and don’t all those articles say to judge a man by how he treats his mother? He’s terrific with her and his sisters.”

  She struggled for breath, then gave up and let the tears win.

  “Sounds good to me,” Crissy said. “If I could face one more first date, I’d go for him myself.”

  Rachel gave a strangled laugh. “Please don’t. Then I’d have to hate you.”

  “We don’t want that.” Crissy wiped her face. “Come on. What’s the real problem? It isn’t how great he is, because that’s all a good thing. Talk about a fabulous gene pool. So what’s really wrong?”

  Rachel straightened and dug down for the honest response. “I can’t do it. I can’t love him as much as he wants me to.”

  Crissy gave her a slight smile. “So much material to work with in that sentence. I’ll go with the obvious one first. As much as he wants? Is that what this is about?
”

  Rachel closed her eyes, then opened them. “As much as I want,” she whispered.

  “Okay. Good. Why not?”

  She stiffened. “Why not? Because what happens if I do? What happens then? He could die.”

  Crissy blinked. “At the risk of being a bitch, we’re all going to die. It’s part of living. You’re born, you live, you die. There’s no getting around it.”

  “I’m not talking about later. When he’s had a full life. I’m talking about now. I’ve already lost everything once. I can’t do that again.”

  Crissy nodded. “Good point. What if he doesn’t?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What if he doesn’t die? What if he lives a long, healthy life and dies in his sleep at a hundred and three? He’s what, thirty? So you will have lost seventy-three years with him on the off chance he kicks the bucket early. Not a great trade-off.”

  “Seventy-three years with Carter,” Rachel murmured. That was her definition of heaven. “I could do that.”

  “Okay, so it’s not the actual dying,” Crissy said. “It’s him dying too soon. So how much is enough? If you knew he was only going to live until he was sixty—that’s thirty years with him. Would that be enough?”

  Rachel knew her friend was leading her somewhere, but she couldn’t figure out where. “I’d want more, but yes, I’d take thirty years.”

  “Would ten be enough? Would you accept ten?”

  The tears threatened. “I don’t know. That would hurt.”

  Crissy drew in a breath. “What about the baby?” she asked in a low voice. “When will you decide it’s safe to love your child?”

  Rachel touched her stomach. “What do you mean? I already love my child.”

  “Do you? How can you know how long he or she is going to live? How can you live with that fear?”

  She didn’t know what to say.

  “I don’t have any answers,” Crissy told her. “But here’s my newsflash. I’ve always wanted to fall in love, but I’ve never allowed myself. I never thought I was good enough. I had to keep the punishment on because of what I’d done. Thinking about you, knowing what you’re going through, has caused me to question that. When is the punishment enough? When is it okay for me to be happy?”

  Crissy shifted on the sofa and took one of Rachel’s hands in her own. “You lost your whole family, your whole world. It was tragic. But a greater tragedy is that you survived only to become trapped in a fear so great you’re afraid to live. Is this what your parents would have wanted? Would this make them happy? You go through the motions, but you don’t feel any of it. I’m saying this because you’re my friend and I love you. And because I’m afraid you’re going to become one of those obsessive, psycho moms who make their kids live in a plastic bubble.”

  “I’d never do that,” Rachel whispered through her tears. This was all too much. She wanted to go back to the way things were before. When she didn’t have to hurt or wonder or feel.

  Her breath caught. That’s what it all came down to—feeling. Being willing to put it on the line.

  “You think if something bad happens, you won’t be able to deal with it,” Crissy said softly. “My second newsflash is that you’re not that twelve-year-old little girl anymore. You’re a capable adult with a hell of a support system. We would all be there for you. You would never lose your home or your family. We go with you wherever you go. Trust us to be there and trust yourself to be strong.”

  Later, when Crissy had left, Rachel walked into her bedroom and pulled a battered wooden box out of the bottom drawer of her dresser. She sat on the floor and opened the lid.

  Inside was all she had left of her parents and her baby brother. There were pictures, an old house key, their wedding rings and the earrings her mother had been wearing that fateful night. Their passports, unused except for the single stamp from their honeymoon trip to Italy. Her brother’s favorite toy car.

  She flipped through the pictures, smiling at barely remembered Christmas mornings, tearing up at a candid shot of her mother hugging her. Sometimes she could remember so much and at other times, everything blurred.

  What would they think of her now? Would they be proud or disappointed? Her parents had always said she needed to do her best. If she’d done that, then they were happy. She didn’t have to be the best in the world, just the best her.

  The best her didn’t live afraid all the time. The best her believed and had faith. Crissy was right—Rachel couldn’t keep anyone from dying. It wasn’t the death she feared, it was her inability to cope with it. Her inability to stay strong.

  But she had been strong. She’d survived a devastating loss. She’d grown up and made a life and now she was a few months away from being a mother herself.

  She turned to the next picture. It was of her parents. They gazed at each other with such love in their eyes. She smiled as she remembered how it felt to be around them. Surrounded by love. Nurtured, cared for, protected. Carter looked at her the same way. He made her feel safe and cared for. He…

  Rachel scrambled to her feet. Was she crazy? Carter loved her. He was the best man she’d ever met and he loved her. Did she really think she was going to get this lucky again? Did she think she would find someone better? Crissy was right—they had a set amount of time on this earth. No one knew how long, but to waste it because it was eventually going to end seemed really stupid.

  She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight. Too late to call. Too late to…

  “Forget it,” she muttered as she ran out of her bedroom, grabbed her purse and her car keys, then flew out the door. She was done waiting. She’d already waited too long.

  She made the drive across town in record time, then ran up to his front door and rang the bell over and over. She didn’t let herself think that he might not be home, that he might already have found someone else. She wouldn’t imagine trouble. She already had a lifetime of doing that.

  The door opened and there he was. Sleepy and mussed and the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen.

  “Rachel? Are you okay?”

  “No.” She pushed past him. “I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

  She refused to believe it was too late. If he loved her, then somehow she would convince him to give her a second chance. If he didn’t…No, she wasn’t going there.

  He closed the door and faced her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Everything. I’m so scared all the time. It eats at me. I was thinking earlier that I probably should have gone into some kind of therapy after I lost my parents. Maybe I still should, I don’t know. But what I do know is that event changed me. I was afraid to care too much about anything. If I didn’t care, then it was okay if it was taken away. You were right. Crissy was right. I guess everyone was right but me.”

  “Rachel, it’s okay.”

  She wanted to go to him, to touch him and hold him and have him want her, but she remembered their last conversation. No part-time anything. First she had to convince him that this was forever.

  “It’s like my dancing,” she said, speaking quickly, needing to get it all out as fast as possible. “I took one teacher’s word. What if she’d been having a bad day? She said I couldn’t make it and I believed her. I let one person’s opinion define my life. I stopped trying. I took classes, but they were just for me. I went to my fall-back plan and became a teacher. I love what I do and I’m really glad I’m doing it, but I wish I tried dancing a little more.”

  She stopped and drew in a breath. His dark eyes didn’t tell her what he was thinking, but at least he hadn’t thrown her out.

  “I have plants,” she said. “They’re safe. I really want a dog, but I’ve been too scared. I say it’s because I live in an apartment, but I could move. I haven’t bought a house. Sure it would have been tough, financially, but my parents left me some money. I have the down payment. I’ve been so careful not to make mistakes or get hurt that I’ve missed the best parts of life. The messy, unpredicta
ble, emotionally scary parts. I nearly missed you.”

  She took a step closer and placed her hand on his chest. “You are the most wonderful man. You are everything I could ever want and more. I have been horrible to you and I’m deeply sorry. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m asking for one. I’m willing to do whatever you say to prove myself to you. Just please, please give me another chance.”

  She drew in a deep breath and spoke the words that she’d been hiding from for far too long. “I love you, Carter. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to have children with you and grow old with you. I don’t care how long we have. Okay, yeah, the more time the better, but even if it’s just for today, I want to be with you.”

  She waited, studying his face, hoping for the best. One corner of his mouth turned up and he held open his arms.

  She rushed into them and held him as tightly as she could. He pulled her close.

  “I love you,” she told him.

  “I love you, too.”

  “I’m glad. I’m sorry I was so stupid about everything.”

  “You had some things to work out.”

  “I still do, but maybe we can work on them together.” She raised her head and looked at him. “I want to be someone you’re proud of. Someone you can depend on, no matter what. I want to be the best part of your day.”

  “You already are.”

  “You’re the best part of mine, too.”

  She stood in his embrace and felt the strength of him, the love.

  He pressed his lips to her cheek, then whispered, “I have something of yours.”

  “What?”

  He jerked his head to the left. She turned and saw the velvet jewelry box sitting on the coffee table.

  “Marry me, Rachel,” he said.

  “Yes.” She kissed him. “Yes, yes. Absolutely. Say when. Today? Tomorrow? I don’t need a big wedding.”

  “Sure you do. It’s a chick thing. We’ll have it all. Flowers, a cake, whatever you want.”