Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy Page 10

  “Dad?”

  “I don’t understand why you’re still hiding,” he said at last. “When you were younger and medical school kept you busy, I thought things would change in time. You’ve done so well. How can I not be proud of you? But you’ve been in practice for three years. Other doctors manage to find time to have a life. Why not you? Why are you making excuses?”

  “It’s not like that,” Kelly said, stumbling over the words. Hiding? Is that what her father thought?

  “Maybe it’s not surprising,” Daniel went on. “After all, you grew up without a mother, but more important, you grew up without being able to see a loving marriage firsthand. I worried about that, and many times I thought it would be better if I remarried. Except I could never find someone I loved as much as I had loved your mother.”

  “Daddy, you did a great job,” she told him. “No daughter could have asked for a better father. I never missed having a mother because you were always there for me.” It was true. When there were awkward “girl” things to discuss, her father had always sensed her needs and had one of their family friends take her out to lunch so she could talk.

  “I hope that’s true,” he said. “But I wish you could have seen the two of us together. Loving her changed my life. It changed me. I was a better person when I was with her. She was the light of my life—my other half—and I still miss her.”

  “I know you do.”

  “Do you? You’ve heard me talk, but you have no memories of your mother. I want so much for you, Kelly. I want you to be happy in your work, but I also want you to be happy in your personal life. You don’t have to sacrifice everything all the time. Sometimes it’s okay just to be.”

  “I’m fine,” she insisted, trying not to think about her sterile apartment or the fact that she hadn’t been on a date in several years.

  “If you’re sure, then I won’t interfere. I love you, Kelly. I hope you know that. I just want what’s best for you.”

  “I know, Dad. I love you, too.”

  “Call me in a few days?”

  “I promise. Bye.”

  She hung up the phone. But it was a long time before she collected her purse and left the office. All the way to her car and even as she drove out of the empty parking lot, she thought about what her father had said to her. That she was hiding.

  Was he right? Was that what she’d been doing all these years? Thinking about it, she could see that it was a hard habit to break. She’d been determined to maintain her grades when she’d started college. As a premed, biochemistry major, there hadn’t been much time for anything except studying. That first year of school, when everyone else had been making friends and joining clubs, Kelly had buried herself in her books. When she did surface, it was to deal with the guilt of having given up her daughter.

  The past returned and with it the moment on Christmas morning when she’d told her father that she was pregnant and then had watched the light go out of his eyes. No matter how hard she’d studied or what she’d achieved later, she’d never been able to make the light come back. When she’d finally realized it never would, it had been the only time in her life when she’d wanted to die.

  The other kids in college had decorated their dorm rooms for Christmas, but not Kelly. She told herself it was out of respect for her Jewish roommate, but when she managed to get a single room a couple of years later, she still couldn’t bring herself to do it. “Too busy” was the mantra in her head whenever she walked past Christmas displays in stores. After college, medical school, then residency. Now this would be her third Christmas in Honeygrove, and she had continued to be “too busy” to make her apartment feel like a home.

  Kelly drew in a deep breath. Part of the reason she’d worked so hard had been because of her father, but the rest of it had been because of her daughter. It was as if she had to keep proving that her decision to give up Annie Jane was the right one. If she turned out to be a good doctor, then her daughter would understand why she’d made the choice she had. Except deep in her heart Kelly still believed she’d taken the easy way out.

  Despite what her father had said all those years ago and despite what Tanner had told her over the weekend, she knew they could have made it. Oh, their lives might not have been full of material things. She would have had a baby and been working while going to school part time. But they would have survived. At least then she wouldn’t always wonder how it could have been.

  As she wondered now. Except all the wondering in the world didn’t change the past. She’d made her choice and there was no going back.

  So why was she still hiding?

  Her father’s question returned to her. She knew there was truth in his words. Was it because she hadn’t paid her debt? Was it fear or simply habit? And if she accepted that she was hiding, how much of life had already passed her by? It was too late to change the past, but could she still change her future?

  * * *

  “Now I’m happy to stay a little longer,” Gabby Dawson told Tanner as she slipped on her coat. “Your Lia is about the best baby I’ve ever seen. So sweet and those pretty eyes. Just like yours. She’s going to be a beauty when she grows up.”

  “Tell me about it. I’m going to have to get a really big stick to scare off all the boys in the neighborhood.” Tanner glanced down at the sleeping infant. “We’ll just start calling you ‘Trouble’ as soon as you hit fourteen. How does that sound, little girl?”

  Lia slept on, oblivious of being the subject of conversation.

  “We’ll be fine,” he told Gabby.

  “All right then. I’ll be off. You’re sure you won’t need me over the weekend?”

  “Absolutely. Go enjoy Thanksgiving with your husband.”

  The doorbell rang. “I’ll get that on my way out,” Gabby called as she headed for the stairs. “You have a nice evening, Tanner.”

  “I will,” he said as he followed her into the living room. Despite her fiftysomething years, she moved with quick grace. She was a whiz with Lia, and Tanner was grateful Patricia had recommended her. Until his daughter was old enough to come to the office with him, or attend regular day care, he could rest easy with Nurse Gabby in charge.

  “It’s Dr. Hall,” Gabby said as she pulled open the front door. “I was just leaving,” she told Kelly. “Lia has been an angel. I doubt she’ll give you a minute’s trouble. Now you two have a happy Thanksgiving.”

  She gave a quick wave and was gone.

  Kelly stared after her. “She reminds me of Robin Williams in that movie Mrs. Doubtfire, although she’s a lot prettier.”

  “And she doesn’t have the accent. So you think my baby nurse is a cross-dresser?”

  Kelly laughed. “No, that’s not what I meant. She’s just a warm, caring person, like that character.” She set her purse on the small table by the front door. “How was your day?”

  “Good.” But not as good as she looked, he thought.

  Tanner had to shove his hands into his pockets to keep from walking over to her and pulling her into his arms. She wore a navy suit with a silky pink blouse. High heels made her legs look even longer than usual. She’d pulled her hair back into a fancy twist. From head to toe, she was a class act.

  He, on the other hand, had barely walked in the door fifteen minutes ago. He hadn’t even had a chance to shower.

  “What?” she asked. “You’re staring at me. Do I have ink on my nose or something?”

  “Not at all. I was just noticing that you look terrific, while I had a close encounter with a paint machine.” He turned slowly to show her his paint-splattered back. “We come from two different worlds—that’s for sure.”

  “Is that bad?”

  “No. But I’ve been thinking.” He rocked back on his heels. He didn’t want to talk about this with her, but he didn’t have a choice. “You’ve got a life of
your own, and I’ve sort of taken it over. You’ve been here every night, except when you had to deliver a baby. You’ve been a great friend, but I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

  “You’re not. I’ve been happy to help.” She folded her arms over her chest. “You’re throwing me out, aren’t you?”

  Tanner didn’t know how to answer. Despite the fact that he was dirty and tired, he still wanted her. He’d wanted her before they’d ever kissed, but now that he’d experienced the passion possible between them, his desire had only increased. She was an incredible woman—everything a man could want. Smart, successful, caring, warm, sexy as hell and completely out of his league.

  He’d played the game enough times to know when it was going to work and when it wasn’t. Between their differences in career and his status as a new father, he didn’t stand a chance with her. Under different circumstances, he might have given it a run anyway, figuring something short term would be better than nothing at all. Except he wasn’t comfortable with that. Not only because of Lia, but because Kelly was someone he cared about and he didn’t want to play games with her.

  “I’m not throwing you out,” he said at last. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like. However, I don’t want to take advantage of you or cramp your style.”

  She stared at him. Her hazel-brown eyes were wide and clear as she studied him, obviously assessing the truth of his words. “And if I told you I didn’t have enough of a personal life to warrant a style?”

  “Then I’d ask you if you’d like to join me and Lia tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. But I have to warn you, I’m making it, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  “You’re making it?”

  He led her to the kitchen and opened the fridge. “I stopped at the store on the way home. I thought this would be a good year to practice, before Lia’s old enough to realize her dad’s an idiot. I won’t have time to cook every day, but I figure I can make an effort for the big holidays.”

  Kelly reached inside the fridge and knocked on the turkey. “It’s still frozen solid. If you’re going to cook that tomorrow, you’ll need to thaw it in a cold-water bath overnight. It takes a few days to thaw in the refrigerator.”

  “I told you I have no idea what I’m doing. How do you know these things?”

  She laughed. “I grew up without a mother, with a dad who was busy with his congregation. I did our cooking from the time I was about twelve. Except when kindly parishioners cooked for us. Let’s get this turkey in water—I’ll come over early tomorrow to help.”

  Ten minutes later, he dried his hands and said, “Now, how about a glass of wine?”

  “Red or white?”

  “Whichever you’d prefer.”

  She smiled. “We could mix them together and make our own special blend.”

  He shuddered. “No, thank you.”

  She laughed. “I think red tonight,” she told him as she slid onto one of the stools by the counter.

  “Red it is.”

  He pulled a cabernet from the built-in wine rack, then put it back and drew out a merlot. He held up the bottle, and when she nodded, he started to open it.

  “So was that really about me, when you tried to send me away?” she asked. “Are you genuinely concerned about my personal life, or were you thinking of your own? While I don’t have a style, I’m guessing yours had been refined by years of practice.”

  He set the open wine in front of her and collected two glasses. “I had one once. I don’t anymore.”

  “So you’ve pulled yourself out of the dating game. Are hearts breaking all over Honeygrove?”

  “Maybe one or two.”

  “Let me guess. Young, stunning women with aspirations to be models or actresses?”

  He wasn’t sure if she was teasing or insulting him. “Attractiveness helps, but it’s not the only requirement.”

  “And none of them ever convinced you to walk down the aisle?”

  “A few tried,” he admitted as he poured them each a glass of wine. “But I never wanted that. I’m more the serial monogamy type. It’s all I know.”

  Her expression turned serious. “What do you mean?”

  “Ryan and I grew up in foster homes. We were considered too old to adopt. Some of the time we were in the same family, but just as often we were split up. It was tough.”

  She frowned. “I can’t even imagine. I lived in the same house and slept in the same room until I left for college. In fact, it’s still there now. My dad didn’t even turn it into a guest room. Not that he’s keeping it as a shrine or anything, but there are already enough spare rooms. I know it’s waiting for me whenever I go back to visit.”

  “That would have been nice,” he said as he touched his glass to hers, then took a sip of the wine. “But Ryan and I moved around a lot. When we were in the same house, we often talked about what it would have been like if our parents hadn’t been killed. Ryan could remember more than I could. He wanted to re-create what he’d lost, which is one of the reasons he married Patricia. She wanted to make a home, and he needed that.”

  She looked at him. “But you went in a different direction. Because you didn’t know what a normal family life looked like?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I understand that completely. I mean my father loved me and was always there for me, but it was just the two of us. I never had a mother—she died giving birth to me.”

  “Is that why you became an obstetrician? So you could save other women?”

  Kelly blinked several times. “I don’t think so. I never thought about it that way.” She shrugged. “It’s funny. I talked to my father earlier, and he was discussing this very topic. He said he felt badly that I’d never had the experience of watching a loving marriage at work. He thinks that’s one of the reasons I’m not married myself.”

  “Is it?”

  “I don’t know that answer, either.”

  “I’m not sure watching would have helped,” he said. “I saw plenty of married couples. Some got along great, but others—” He shook his head. “They were a disaster.”

  “Ryan and Patricia have always seemed very happy to me.”

  He leaned against the counter. “He thinks the world of her.”

  She leaned forward and rested her elbows on the counter. “Ryan’s a lucky man—he’s married to a wonderful woman.”

  Tanner couldn’t help wondering why some man hadn’t gotten lucky enough to snag Kelly. She was incredible. It had to be by choice that she was single.

  She took another sip of wine. “You said that your style was serial monogamy, but what do you like in a woman? Aside from her being incredibly beautiful.”

  “I’m going to ignore that last comment. I already said that beauty isn’t all that important to me.”

  “Uh-huh.” She didn’t sound the least bit convinced.

  Tanner was intrigued by the question. He liked that Kelly wanted to know about his favorite “type.” While it wasn’t a guarantee that she was interested, it did indicate that she’d given him a little thought.

  “What do I like in a woman?” He grinned. “You want the absolute truth or the politically correct version?”

  “Oh, absolute truth.”

  “Can you handle it?”

  The corners of her mouth turned up. “Mr. Malone, if you’re attempting to challenge me, do not for a moment underestimate my abilities.”

  He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the counter. Their faces were only inches apart. He could see the flecks of gold in her eyes and several tiny freckles on her nose. Her lips were a temptation he warned himself to avoid.

  “I like an equal combination of intelligence, humor and trashy lingerie. Leather isn’t a requirement, but black or red lace is.”

  Her well-shaped mout
h fell open as her eyes widened in shock. “Oh my.”

  “You asked.”

  “So I did.” She licked her lips. “And how successful are you at achieving your ideal?”

  “The trashy underwear is pretty easy. It’s the intelligence and humor that I have trouble with. I’m not in the right profession for women like that to come calling.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  He straightened. “I’m a contractor,” he said bluntly. “I make enough money, but I wear jeans, not suits. Yeah, I have a degree, but I got it going to school at night. Actually I had a scholarship, but I screwed up partying too much my freshman year and got kicked out. I didn’t have any skills, so I got a grunt job working for a contractor. Ten years later I had a degree and was a partner. Two years after that, I bought him out and changed the name.”

  “Impressive.”

  “Is it?” He shrugged. “I’m just some guy from the wrong side of the tracks. I prefer movies and sports to ballet and opera, although I do like the theater. I like good wine, but I’m not a snob about it. In my opinion beer and potato chips are a perfectly acceptable food group.”

  “None of that sounds bad to me,” she said.

  He wanted to believe her. He wanted to think they were doing more than just playing, but he knew that wasn’t the case. When Kelly made up her mind to get involved, it would be with another doctor or a lawyer, or maybe some upper-level corporate executive.

  “So tell me about your Mr. Right. He’s rich and successful, with a bunch of degrees.”

  She straightened. “You seem to have more answers than I do. I haven’t thought much about Mr. Right, or Mr. Anybody. I don’t really date much. Work keeps me busy.”

  “Not that busy. You’re way too pretty and successful not to have a bunch of men hanging around you.”

  She surprised him by blushing. Color climbed up her cheeks, and she looked away. “Yet I remain surprisingly unfettered by men. It’s one of life’s great mysteries.”

  I want to change that. But he only thought the words, he didn’t say them.

  Nor did he move closer, even though he wanted to.